Dream Update

Update to the Dream Analysis:

Remember when I mentioned I have been seeing a counselor to help get me out of my funk? Well, first of all, I am off the Wellbutrin. I am feeling much better and for the most part, even without the Wellbutrin, I feel good, and like my normal self. Which is great. But I decide to keep up with the counseling for a while longer. Sort of an every few weeks thing, to just keep myself in this good place. Well, it had actually been a month since I had last seen her because of the holidays and an appointment I had to cancel, and it just so happened I had that dream the day before I went to see her this week. Of course, I shared it with her. After telling her what I told you, she said:

Dr.: That’s very interesting. Definitely telling about your relationship with your parents, but what I would be interested to know is, who was your partner in The Amazing Race?

I thought about it, and it dawned on me, I didn’t have one. I had won the race on my own. A partnered race. I told her this and she responded:

Dr.: Not THAT is interesting…{she had a rather rye smile on her face} You won a race that takes two people all by yourself. THAT may be the most telling part. I think we are back to your independent streak…

As she said it, I cringed. She was exactly right. I had, even in my dream, done something that the rest of the world accomplishes with help, on my own. I was playing the super-independent, I don’t-need-anyone-to-help-me card, again.

It fascinates me that I have gotten to this independent place. Everything I see in my future involves just me. I don’t see someone standing beside me. It’s not because I don’t want someone there, it’s that I have lost faith in being able to count on someone being there. It’s like watching my mother standing alone in the kitchen, cooking dinner for my father who is asleep on the living room sofa. Or hanging curtains by herself because my father can’t be bothered to help, or else he will gripe the entire time he does help.

It seems I have taken that model, combined it with the lack of help I can count on from people in my own life, and created this super-independent, untrusting, unneeding (but not for lack of wanting) version of myself that has become completely jaded about my future.

I guess I have more to talk to the doctor about now…

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